you know whats weird? I always seem to return to this empty shell of a blog... maybe it's my fate? Maybe I'm supposed to live in an empty shell? My life is an empty shell. The only thing keeping it alive are dead dreams and fading wishes. Perhaps that's what they call getting old? I really don't know. I read back through the old posts, and I remember my friends. Friends I haven't talked to in at least a year or more. Why is that? Why must the most important thing in life be left to stagnate? Is it my fault? Do I make things this way? and if so... do I do it on purpose? I'd like to think not... but perhaps my subconcious mind is telling me to kill all the stuff that is good, so when it can't get any worse I'll come out shining like some metaphorical Phoenix. Ha... ha... ha... when do I get to fly? When do I get rise from the ashes? When is it my time? All I do is sit here and smolder...

Ya know, I'm a father now... perhaps she's my Phoenix. Course I still beleive I've allready done the most unspeakable thing to my child. I made her enter this realm of madness and hate we call life. If only one, single, bright and shining candle burned like a beacon to all others... filled with love and laughter and song... once you remembered where it was in the deep, dark, cold void of the bottom of the sea... the light would still be extinguished by the salt water of hate.